SUICIDE A PUNISHABLE OFFENCE

To,
The one who is hurting today

You don’t know me and chances are that I haven’t met you either.
But I am a firm believer in the cosmos. If this open-letter has landed on your feed, chances are it was meant for you to read. The universe wants you to receive this message that a stranger in some remote corner has for you.

Message in a bottle: From one survivor to another!

How are you? I know, things aren’t that great for any of us. With COVID, Economic slowdown, Financial pressure, Physical distancing, and no escape, this year has brought even the stronger ones on their knees. You and Me? Well, we are the vulnerable ones. The others might not see it. They might fail to recognize it. But you and me, we know we have been through a lot and contemplating SUICIDE, alot lately.

I have lost the count of times while standing at the edge of a balcony, how many times I have thought of jumping off the fence. How many times, jumping in front of a moving vehicle felt like the only choice. SUICIDE was not on my mind but I fell in love with the cold silver running its sharp edges around my thighs and sometimes the piercing pain of smashing my hand on a hard surface was the only way to release when anger strikes.

Some of you must be thinking, “Why do you even think of killing myself? What kind of person kills themselves? Losers! SUICIDE…Like really!” Yeah, I get you. Well, I wish I could figure out one good reason. I so wish, there was sob story to make it even more dramatic. You might be shocked to know that there are none. I have life of convenience and comfort. I don’t have a “valid reason”. Like most of my counterparts, I have a dysfunctional family, a job. I can make something out of my life if I want. My girlfriend left me, but I don’t love her crazy enough to end my own life. One thing I know is, I have been a sad child. A sad-sad child all my life!

Growing up, I had too many questions and answers to none. Like, Why a 4 year old was left at a boarding school to fend for himself? Why the math teacher ridiculed us for scoring less? Not that, I am solving help the GDP crisis of the country with algebra. Why is the world becoming unfair and mean to people of lower status? Why we don’t care about emotions? Why to be successful, each one of us is expected to be shrewd? Why having a relationship with a 43-year-old widow was against all odds? I wanted to be a writer and I was great in literature. My girlfriend used to tell me, writers have a sadness to them, a depressed streak. That’s what adds depth to their writing. I wish she knew better, because how many of them thought of SUICIDE? I wish, it was a just and a fair world.

To be honest, like many of you just wanted this pain to end.

It’s okay to ask for help!

All this comes down to just one question and after a year in therapy, I am still trying to figure out. Does it? I mean “SUICIDE”… Does it stop the pain? I will be lying if I tell you that, I don’t know. We all know, IT DOESN’T. One thing I learned about pain is, it never goes away. It just changes form and is passed on from one person to another. So, if you die no matter how dysfunctional your family is, no matter how absent your partner is or how ungrateful your friends have been, loosing a loved one to SUICIDE is cruel. The reason, why I think apart from life being a gift of god, SUICIDE is a punishable offence.

The damage this world has done to you might be beyond repair. But, SUICIDE is not going to fix anything. There is no taking back the fact, that even when we don’t see it and don’t feel it in our bones – there is someone, there is always someone we leave behind who becomes collateral damage in our story. SUICIDE is a punishable offence, because you will be leaving a bunch of people with nothing but regret and immense pain where they will spend the rest of their lives guilty, thinking about what they could have done to stop you. Why they weren’t there?

You tell me, Is there anything they can do? If you have an answer to this, then…ASK THEM TO DO IT RIGHT-AWAY. ASK THEM to mend their ways. ASK THEM for help. ASK THEM for an apology. ASK for a closure. And while you are doing this, remember – IT’S NOT FOR THEM, IT’S FOR YOU! So, you can let go of the pain. So, you can find a reason to live again.

The pain you are trying to escape is a vicious circle. To me, it seemed like a vine, the more I struggled it tightened its grip on me. So, what do you do? YOU SURVIVE TODAY.

No matter how ugly it seems…I want you to survive today and hereafter, every day. As a friend, I want you to make it to tomorrow.
I want you to remember you survived yesterday, which you thought was the worst day of your life.
I want you to know, even if you don’t feel it, there is someone who cares.
I want you to know, it’s okay to feel vulnerable and it’s okay to ask help.
I want you to know, that I am eager to listen to your survival stories.
I want you to know, that I will be the happiest if I know you have survived the storm that you thought was going to drown you, as happy you are reading that I HAVE SURVIVED.

With Love From,

ONE SURVIVOR
TO ANOTHER

Even if you don’t see it, there is always HOPE!

Gateway to Universe

You need this kind of girl in your life;

Who will accept you after you have already got thru the struggle.

Who will love you as per her convenience. 

Who will demand time when you have none to spare.

Who will be busy when you make all time in the world.

Who will not understand your schedules.

Who will demand you do things a certain way.

Who will fight with you for material things.

Who will need your money to run an uncalled for lifestyle. 

Who will ignore your needs and demand her wants to be completed.

Who will treat you as nothing more than a show off. 

Who will be nothing more than your remote.

Who will throw surprises for you to please the societies.

Who will demand obnoxious gifts on her birthday.

Who will choose you because you are well settled, you have your own house, job and a bank balance to fall back on. 

And you know what that is exactly what you deserve because when you had met a girl

Who motivated you.

Who lifted you above your dreams. 

Who stayed with you during the dark days.

Who loved you fiercely with everything that she got. 

Who thought only about you when you were thinking of other girls.

Who cared for you like her family.

Who was self sufficient and did not demand money.

Who needed your attention, time and just a little reassurance that you would be with her.

Who gave up on her own ethics to ensure that you would not fall short. 

Who makes you her world.

Who holds your hand thru a world tour or even thru staying in street. 

Who would understand you in and out. 

You let her go. She fought for what she wanted. She echoed her concerns. You ignored. You were indifferent. Your indifference killed her. She will never be the same again. She will never look at any other person the way she see's you. Your 'least bothered' attitude to the battle which she kept on trying time and again to win ensured that she finally gave up. You showed her that love can not be forced and certainly not taught. She found her soul mate, her best friend, her buddy, her anger, her pacifier, her home, her shelter, her want, her need, her universe in you. And all you could see in her was a person who you were too used to being around. No, do not term it Love. No, do not term it Friendship. For both will be an insult to her feelings for you. You hid her from the world. Kept her your secret. While other girls approached you. Rather than telling them you were with her, you did the exact opposite. You told her that so many girls were trying to woo you. Well, tell you what. If you enjoy the attention being showered by other girls, that is were you should be - with them. Not with the girl who goes out of her way, even without you knowing, to stay loyal to you when you don't even admit of being in a relationship with her to anyone. She calls your arms her home, she feels protected in your arms and your kisses are her lifelines - magic as she knows them and when asked what they mean to you, you say they hardly made any difference. 

Look into her eyes. What do you see? The love she holds for you? The betrayed feeling of seeing you entertain other girls? The pain of you being indifferent to her love? The hopes leaving her heart? or her destroyed soul? 

The eyes that once were a gateway to universe are now just black holes. No, you do not need a girl so thunderous; you need one who just drizzles a little!

I wrote once To My Heart

Dear Heart,

Are you still there ? If yes, then why can’t I feel you beating anymore?

When I sit back and relax, lost into oblivion I come back to the only sound of you, beating in this melancholy room of mine. So you are there somewhere. But why can’t I feel you?

I do remember how joyous it was, at times when I felt this adrenaline rush, looking or talking about my favorite things. You reminded me that I am alive each day. Remember that time when I was driving for the first time ? The first accident I had? It was frightening. You were so scared, what if someone is killed? Then the time I was Bunjee jumping in rishikesh? You beated so fast I thought for once you will leave my body and start running for a marathon instead. Also, how can I forget the first time you fell in love with another. Every time you saw her, you skipped a beat. Irregularities. Then she smiled and you were on 7th heaven. 2 hearts in love.

The first time you broke. I thought I won’t be able to save you. Repairing you took time and so many efforts. I took you to meet new hearts, I tried more things to keep you busy, you became inquisitive and I tried to keep you engrossed in reading, learning and trying to figure out what you want for yourself.

With time, you came to realise that you are broke. But it’s not that you can’t be fixed. So you started beating again this time with a reassurance. You became so kind and so giving. You my dear were open to anything but calmness. You started healing and mending other hearts. You were ear to all. Though you moved on with an empty space and a scar, you never blamed others for it. I know it’s been a lot many years and I do realize the scars have now absolutely deformed your appearance on things. You don’t say much but sit and observe. You still are giving. You still nurture people. You without even trying have become an idol to many. But I get scared when you shun hearts that beat for you.

Lately every heart who said it wanted to beat for you forever. You ran away from them like you have seen some ghost in disguise. It seems you have given up on everything it seems. Have you? Prove me wrong. One of the hearts told me “something in you is dead” And from then, I am missing you more. Are you really dead? Is it true that you will never beat again? Because if it is, then it is very alarming. Not because, the butterflies in my tummy wants to fly again but a heart like yours deserves more. If you are listening then make a note of it. It’s fine if you are resting. If you want some space. It’s fine if you want to take some time off. But do wake up from the dead and try to make amends like we did the first time and every other time. Even if we are getting old I must tell you, I am dying for you to skip a beat again.

With love,

A Part of you.–

work-in-progress

Time – a rare thing we all have. You cannot stop it, speed it up, nor slow it down. However, we do experience the illusion of all of it during so many moments in our life. Time slows down when you are waiting for favorite Pizza order to arrive. The heartbeat second of adrenaline rush while cliff jumping feels like forever, elongating the small second. Or when you hold a newborn baby for the first time, everything stops. These illusions, these little moments are what makes up our lives. For centuries now, humans have programmed people to behave in a certain way or be at prominent places and act in way which is unquestionably by society. Norms set for individuals today are diverse across all possible facades.

Out of the total number of people we meet in a lifetime, a majority will say that they want to make an everlasting impact on the human race. How many take steps though? Do we do anything thru our actions to make anything here better? And all of this for what? This Earth is a doomed place, and we are the reason it is in this state. The intelligent living life on our planet is long gone, now we are merely puppets playing with technology and science. So, you run a business, you have a corporate job, you earn high salaried package, you have a boathouse, you own a bungalow; all these material needs and wants, in most of the cases, do not allow a person to acknowledge the inner self and in turn destroys peace. The definitions put forward by society for ‘happiness’ is constrained and not expandable which needs to be more flexible to mold it as per the distinct individuals. This happiness is much more sacred than those material needs.

Investing that oh-so-precious time in accumulating the substantial stuff over a lifespan has only resulted in piled layers of a labyrinth over our soul to hide what we truly are. You are not the picture which got a thousand likes, you are not the tweet which spread like wildfire, you are not the expensive car you own, you are not the brand you work for, and neither are you the education you take. Then who are you? Can you define yourself without all of these human made definitions; without attaching a degree, gender, designation, or posing as an owner of material possessions? Can you tear apart all these and strip your soul naked and then try to give an illustration to yourself? Speechless? The answers to these mysteries are within you. All you need to do is tap yourself awake, adapt to a few new tactics, seek your potential happiness, relax once a while, and explore the world around as it was meant to be.

Take yourself on a little journey back in time, those people, who lived millions of years before us, did not have any of these facilities and were in far more sense backwards, as we see it. Nonetheless, they were humans, just like you and me. These humans had far less than what we had, but the enlightenment which they experienced, the horrors of the world they saw, the difficulties faced, the knowledge derived was directly from our pure source – mother Earth. It may not be enough or the most genuine of all information sources, but it was not fabricated to the extent that you would start questioning every truth you know. 

You are here today; you will influence the few people who you meet in this generation or maybe go beyond that average if you are extraordinary and there are those exceptional souls which have the ability to be alive for millenniums through their thoughts and deeds. How would you rather have people remembering you? As the person with that huge bank balance and car or as the compassionate human being who touched many souls? The universe is vast, beyond what meets our eye. We contain stardust in us which has travelled trillions of light-years and live on an oddball rotating in space. From the tiniest atom in our body to the vast, unreachable galaxies; all are made up of the same matter. And this, my friend, is what you call Magic! 

And how do you utilize this magical gift of self? By crying over a breakup, ignoring yourself, having mundane routines, not giving yourself breaks and being stuck at one place? Not the kind of life anyone would get fascinated by, is it? Just remember, if you manage to be a significant individual making a positive impact on this whole wide world then you automatically achieve success.

Believe in that magical portion of yours. Get that job you have always wanted to. If your attempt to get what you want is negated then think of ways to create similar opportunities which will help someone in the same spot as you. Give yourself the ability to achieve unfinished, procrastinated tasks to allow yourself to have more time to concentrate on much more important things in life. God damn work for the salary, of course! But at the same time, follow those unattended dreams concealed in the corner of your heart. Do not work for yourself, work to make this planet a better place to live. Leave behind a legacy not properties and garbage. Believe in Karma, sprinkle kindness and goodness around; and that is what life will bring back to you. Be involved in experiences which money cannot buy and will have a space in your heart Do not spend your time on things which are not going to take you places or give you never before experiences; it is just not worth it. Learn to prioritize on things which will nourish your soul and feed your heart. You are work-in-progress, but you are on your way to becoming a masterpiece at the finest of all!

Not Much to offer but A Piece of Me.

When we first met, I honestly had no idea that you would be this important to me. I really hope I’m good enough for you; at times I feel otherwise. This has been a recent feeling. . that honestly petrifies me. I begin to think that you’ll find somebody else who is “sufficient”. Someone who can give you everything and anything your heart desires, someone much better than me. Maybe I’m scared to lose you because you mean more to me than any other person. You seriously are everything I think about & everything I want. .
I’m sorry I constantly want to speak to you, but can’t. I’m sorry that when you take a long time to write back, I get upset. I’m sorry I have a short temper, I’m working on it. I’m sorry I annoy you, I sincerely don’t mean to. I’m sorry if I’m not a perfect partner, but even perfection has its flaws. I’m sorry if I say things that stress you out or make you mad, that’s the last thing I’d like to do. I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me as badly as I’d like to speak to you. I’m sorry that we have opposing thoughts on how couples should act. I’m sorry if I think about you all the time and you don’t think much about me. I’m sorry I say hurtful things when I’m not at my highest peak. Saying sorry won’t fix much, but acknowledging my problems will. When I write things out I think more clearly about the situation & I realize what exactly I can do to grow and contribute in fixing my issues. But in the end I just want somebody who I can open up to and be myself without feeling uncomfortable. I’m a complete and utter mess, so I just want someone who actually understands me & won’t mind my random rants. I want someone who treats me like I’m special even though we both know I’m not. To tell you the truth, I don’t have much to offer you. But I still will give you everything I have, even if it’s hardly anything at all to you. I will give you: loyalty, laughter, honesty, long hugs, back rubs, my point of view, support, a good conversation, a hand to hold, someone who will always be there to listen, but most importantly LOVE & if that’s not enough, just keep in mind you’ve got all of me. I just hope that’s enough to keep you around.

I at times wonder if you ever think of me, if you ever miss me. I shouldn’t have to ask you & I shouldn’t have to wonder. You’re my girlfriend, you’re not just some random lady I kiss and fantasize about all hours of the day. A boyfriend should never be left feeling like this and having these thoughts. It just sucks to feel unwanted by the persons attention you seek the most. . the girl I love.. you baby. & I know you’re busy. I honestly understand . . but sometimes I just don’t know what you see in me, nonetheless I’m glad you see something. I’d just like you to demonstrate it more often, just like I put in effort each day to prove to you that you’re worth it. For the first time, I’ve found someone I dislike leaving, someone that I can’t get enough of. But the overwhelming feeling that “it can all be gone in just mere seconds” is horrible without the recognition of my partner. Motivating me and telling me otherwise. I hate the idea of anyone else having you. .

We had this entire conversation. The night I came over, the night i proposed you to be my girlfriend. You told me you would try to work this out. & I’ve seen very minimal effort. (Thank you so much for the effort that you have put into this. I really do appreciate it. ) My thing is just that, I never leave you wondering if I miss you. I never leave you wondering how much I love you. . Now where is that mutual compassion and understanding?
Right now, the only thing I’m certain about is that I love you. & I doubt that’s enough for you at the moment. . I’m just afraid that one day you will wake up and just say “I can do much better than him”. . but I promise you, as long as you’re trying, I’m staying. It’s not about having a picture perfect relationship. It’s about finding someone who will be there through everything without giving up & I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it. . I haven’t wanted something this bad in so long. . I can’t just let this get away without fighting to have it and keep it. I don’t want to let go of you. I just don’t. Love isn’t about whom you can see yourself with. It’s about who you can’t picture yourself without. .
& after all of this I still do love you. I love you from the tip of your toes to the tippy top of your head, for all that you are, all that you have been, and all you’re yet to be. I was told to never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. I have that drive to work this out. I have that drive to keep on trying and trying. Now, where’s yours?

Believe in yourself and remember

Dear Life.

I'm done. I'm done with everybody's vision of what I should be doing with my life. I'm tired of acting like everybody else actually has a say in the matter, when in reality they don't. Without the constant violation of everybody's input, I need to figure out what I want and what I need in order to achieve MY goals. I want to dream big. I want the best outcome for myself. I want a fulfilled life. I need time. I need space. I need clarity. At the end of the day it is my life and no one else's, so everybody needs to hold their questions, comments and concerns and redirect them towards their own lives.

I already put so much pressure on myself to succeed.

 I'm constantly questioning myself with inquiries like,

 "How can I do better?", "What am I doing wrong? " and "Do I even have a backup plan in case things don't work out as I've planned?" Because let's face it, life doesn't always go your way, it can be a little messy and a little heavy at times.

Ralph Marston once said,"Don't lower your expectations to meet  your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations.Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality." 

Life is all about trials and tribulations, but it is also about conquering and reward. You cannot live in a constant fear of failure, but you must live in a constant state of excitement for what's yet to come

Don't ever let somebody tell you that your dreams are too big. The only person's expectations and comments that should count are the ones that you hold for yourself. You know yourself the best. You know your strengths, your weaknesses, your limits and your passion, so whatever anybody else thinks shouldn't matter. I know it is easier said than done to block out everybody's commentary, but think of how amazing you are going to feel when you prove all of the negative Nelly's in your life wrong.

I know that you are full of potential and have the drive, dedication and commitment that it takes to do whatever you decide upon. Just stay focused and block out everybody's criticisms while you only have eyes for the finish line that is your future; you are your worst critic, so what everybody else says does not matter. This is your life and only your expectations of yourself should make the strides towards your dreams.

This is your moment. Enjoy it while it is happening and don't let it all just pass you by in a haze of stress and anxiety. Don't every stop believing in yourself and remember: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Love at first sight

Dear Soulmate,

I don't think I have ever told you how

I felt the first time we meet. 

You were so cute and your deep

blue eyes we're so fascinating, 

I felt like I could lose myself in them

Your eyes we're look like deep blue ocean.  

Your blushing smile was so much adorable

 as I felt that time. 

Every eye was steering you with gaze, 

like an angel came from heaven to earth.

 I never use to believe in love at first sight, 

but that day when our eyes met, 

my heart raced and felt like it would burst out of my chest. 

It was like the home run feeling that jump over the fence feeling. 

.I was swept off my feet! and when you winked at me 

I felt like I couldn't breathe , Immediately I feel in love,

 I knew then what love at first sight felt like,

 our eyes met and there was a connection, like a

 bond I felt uniting our heart❤.  

I have been in love since that day ☀

 and still am! You will always be my first and greatest love.!

Thanks for the ☀day.