SUICIDE A PUNISHABLE OFFENCE

To,
The one who is hurting today

You don’t know me and chances are that I haven’t met you either.
But I am a firm believer in the cosmos. If this open-letter has landed on your feed, chances are it was meant for you to read. The universe wants you to receive this message that a stranger in some remote corner has for you.

Message in a bottle: From one survivor to another!

How are you? I know, things aren’t that great for any of us. With COVID, Economic slowdown, Financial pressure, Physical distancing, and no escape, this year has brought even the stronger ones on their knees. You and Me? Well, we are the vulnerable ones. The others might not see it. They might fail to recognize it. But you and me, we know we have been through a lot and contemplating SUICIDE, alot lately.

I have lost the count of times while standing at the edge of a balcony, how many times I have thought of jumping off the fence. How many times, jumping in front of a moving vehicle felt like the only choice. SUICIDE was not on my mind but I fell in love with the cold silver running its sharp edges around my thighs and sometimes the piercing pain of smashing my hand on a hard surface was the only way to release when anger strikes.

Some of you must be thinking, “Why do you even think of killing myself? What kind of person kills themselves? Losers! SUICIDE…Like really!” Yeah, I get you. Well, I wish I could figure out one good reason. I so wish, there was sob story to make it even more dramatic. You might be shocked to know that there are none. I have life of convenience and comfort. I don’t have a “valid reason”. Like most of my counterparts, I have a dysfunctional family, a job. I can make something out of my life if I want. My girlfriend left me, but I don’t love her crazy enough to end my own life. One thing I know is, I have been a sad child. A sad-sad child all my life!

Growing up, I had too many questions and answers to none. Like, Why a 4 year old was left at a boarding school to fend for himself? Why the math teacher ridiculed us for scoring less? Not that, I am solving help the GDP crisis of the country with algebra. Why is the world becoming unfair and mean to people of lower status? Why we don’t care about emotions? Why to be successful, each one of us is expected to be shrewd? Why having a relationship with a 43-year-old widow was against all odds? I wanted to be a writer and I was great in literature. My girlfriend used to tell me, writers have a sadness to them, a depressed streak. That’s what adds depth to their writing. I wish she knew better, because how many of them thought of SUICIDE? I wish, it was a just and a fair world.

To be honest, like many of you just wanted this pain to end.

It’s okay to ask for help!

All this comes down to just one question and after a year in therapy, I am still trying to figure out. Does it? I mean “SUICIDE”… Does it stop the pain? I will be lying if I tell you that, I don’t know. We all know, IT DOESN’T. One thing I learned about pain is, it never goes away. It just changes form and is passed on from one person to another. So, if you die no matter how dysfunctional your family is, no matter how absent your partner is or how ungrateful your friends have been, loosing a loved one to SUICIDE is cruel. The reason, why I think apart from life being a gift of god, SUICIDE is a punishable offence.

The damage this world has done to you might be beyond repair. But, SUICIDE is not going to fix anything. There is no taking back the fact, that even when we don’t see it and don’t feel it in our bones – there is someone, there is always someone we leave behind who becomes collateral damage in our story. SUICIDE is a punishable offence, because you will be leaving a bunch of people with nothing but regret and immense pain where they will spend the rest of their lives guilty, thinking about what they could have done to stop you. Why they weren’t there?

You tell me, Is there anything they can do? If you have an answer to this, then…ASK THEM TO DO IT RIGHT-AWAY. ASK THEM to mend their ways. ASK THEM for help. ASK THEM for an apology. ASK for a closure. And while you are doing this, remember – IT’S NOT FOR THEM, IT’S FOR YOU! So, you can let go of the pain. So, you can find a reason to live again.

The pain you are trying to escape is a vicious circle. To me, it seemed like a vine, the more I struggled it tightened its grip on me. So, what do you do? YOU SURVIVE TODAY.

No matter how ugly it seems…I want you to survive today and hereafter, every day. As a friend, I want you to make it to tomorrow.
I want you to remember you survived yesterday, which you thought was the worst day of your life.
I want you to know, even if you don’t feel it, there is someone who cares.
I want you to know, it’s okay to feel vulnerable and it’s okay to ask help.
I want you to know, that I am eager to listen to your survival stories.
I want you to know, that I will be the happiest if I know you have survived the storm that you thought was going to drown you, as happy you are reading that I HAVE SURVIVED.

With Love From,

ONE SURVIVOR
TO ANOTHER

Even if you don’t see it, there is always HOPE!

Gateway to Universe

You need this kind of girl in your life;

Who will accept you after you have already got thru the struggle.

Who will love you as per her convenience. 

Who will demand time when you have none to spare.

Who will be busy when you make all time in the world.

Who will not understand your schedules.

Who will demand you do things a certain way.

Who will fight with you for material things.

Who will need your money to run an uncalled for lifestyle. 

Who will ignore your needs and demand her wants to be completed.

Who will treat you as nothing more than a show off. 

Who will be nothing more than your remote.

Who will throw surprises for you to please the societies.

Who will demand obnoxious gifts on her birthday.

Who will choose you because you are well settled, you have your own house, job and a bank balance to fall back on. 

And you know what that is exactly what you deserve because when you had met a girl

Who motivated you.

Who lifted you above your dreams. 

Who stayed with you during the dark days.

Who loved you fiercely with everything that she got. 

Who thought only about you when you were thinking of other girls.

Who cared for you like her family.

Who was self sufficient and did not demand money.

Who needed your attention, time and just a little reassurance that you would be with her.

Who gave up on her own ethics to ensure that you would not fall short. 

Who makes you her world.

Who holds your hand thru a world tour or even thru staying in street. 

Who would understand you in and out. 

You let her go. She fought for what she wanted. She echoed her concerns. You ignored. You were indifferent. Your indifference killed her. She will never be the same again. She will never look at any other person the way she see's you. Your 'least bothered' attitude to the battle which she kept on trying time and again to win ensured that she finally gave up. You showed her that love can not be forced and certainly not taught. She found her soul mate, her best friend, her buddy, her anger, her pacifier, her home, her shelter, her want, her need, her universe in you. And all you could see in her was a person who you were too used to being around. No, do not term it Love. No, do not term it Friendship. For both will be an insult to her feelings for you. You hid her from the world. Kept her your secret. While other girls approached you. Rather than telling them you were with her, you did the exact opposite. You told her that so many girls were trying to woo you. Well, tell you what. If you enjoy the attention being showered by other girls, that is were you should be - with them. Not with the girl who goes out of her way, even without you knowing, to stay loyal to you when you don't even admit of being in a relationship with her to anyone. She calls your arms her home, she feels protected in your arms and your kisses are her lifelines - magic as she knows them and when asked what they mean to you, you say they hardly made any difference. 

Look into her eyes. What do you see? The love she holds for you? The betrayed feeling of seeing you entertain other girls? The pain of you being indifferent to her love? The hopes leaving her heart? or her destroyed soul? 

The eyes that once were a gateway to universe are now just black holes. No, you do not need a girl so thunderous; you need one who just drizzles a little!

I wrote once To My Heart

Dear Heart,

Are you still there ? If yes, then why can’t I feel you beating anymore?

When I sit back and relax, lost into oblivion I come back to the only sound of you, beating in this melancholy room of mine. So you are there somewhere. But why can’t I feel you?

I do remember how joyous it was, at times when I felt this adrenaline rush, looking or talking about my favorite things. You reminded me that I am alive each day. Remember that time when I was driving for the first time ? The first accident I had? It was frightening. You were so scared, what if someone is killed? Then the time I was Bunjee jumping in rishikesh? You beated so fast I thought for once you will leave my body and start running for a marathon instead. Also, how can I forget the first time you fell in love with another. Every time you saw her, you skipped a beat. Irregularities. Then she smiled and you were on 7th heaven. 2 hearts in love.

The first time you broke. I thought I won’t be able to save you. Repairing you took time and so many efforts. I took you to meet new hearts, I tried more things to keep you busy, you became inquisitive and I tried to keep you engrossed in reading, learning and trying to figure out what you want for yourself.

With time, you came to realise that you are broke. But it’s not that you can’t be fixed. So you started beating again this time with a reassurance. You became so kind and so giving. You my dear were open to anything but calmness. You started healing and mending other hearts. You were ear to all. Though you moved on with an empty space and a scar, you never blamed others for it. I know it’s been a lot many years and I do realize the scars have now absolutely deformed your appearance on things. You don’t say much but sit and observe. You still are giving. You still nurture people. You without even trying have become an idol to many. But I get scared when you shun hearts that beat for you.

Lately every heart who said it wanted to beat for you forever. You ran away from them like you have seen some ghost in disguise. It seems you have given up on everything it seems. Have you? Prove me wrong. One of the hearts told me “something in you is dead” And from then, I am missing you more. Are you really dead? Is it true that you will never beat again? Because if it is, then it is very alarming. Not because, the butterflies in my tummy wants to fly again but a heart like yours deserves more. If you are listening then make a note of it. It’s fine if you are resting. If you want some space. It’s fine if you want to take some time off. But do wake up from the dead and try to make amends like we did the first time and every other time. Even if we are getting old I must tell you, I am dying for you to skip a beat again.

With love,

A Part of you.–